“In wrestling, a face is a character who is portrayed as being moral or approving (that is, faces are “good guys”)

“In wrestling, a heel is a villain character. Heels are portrayed as behaving in an immoral manner, breaking rules…(that is, heels are bad guys)

In real life, I always thought that I was a babyface with an edge. But maybe I’m a heel. Maybe that is why I have been so depressed lately. I have no one to blame for how I feel but myself. Sure some people (okay one person) could have been more understanding, but if she was that would have been a credit to her, not something I had any right to expect. I guess it’s a “babyface” move not to blame her, but I want to so does that make me a heel?

Here is the thing, I fell in love with someone who I could not have-a “babyface” would have found a way to be a good friend or would have gotten out of the situation. I just thought I could handle it and I ended up alienating someone who I really enjoyed spending time with (even if I knew nothing more than friendship would happen between us) because I could not really handle it. Although I will say that I started alienating her because I was jealous and paranoid, not of her boyfriend-but of the fact that her co-worker could make her laugh and I couldn’t (not like I used to).

Jealous and paranoid? Those sound like heel qualities. Whining about my problems? Sounds like a heel.

I should say that I am just talking this out. I actually still think that I am an anti-hero who is “a central character in a story, movie, or drama who lacks conventional heroic attributes.” I am certainly not the traditional good person. I am polite, I am generous and I am loyal to my friends. Most importantly, I would never hurt another person…ever. At the same time-I am moody, I don’t really like people and most importantly I do not handle adversity well…at all.

A hero would stand up and still be strong in the face of adversity. I hide under the covers and use it as an excuse not to work to the best of my ability and not to get out in the world.  In a lot of ways, I act like a coward. I would not say that I am a coward-but I wish that I could handle things better. I am not going to be too hard on myself because I do have depression and losing someone I love is going to aggravate it. The combination of the intensity to which I care about the people I care about (and there are not many people I care about) and my depression is going to lead to a major “crash” when I lose that person. So it’s not just moping and I never want to trivialize depression because I’ve had it for two decades and while there have been stretches where I have been happy…this is not one of them.

One thing-I don’t want to be a traditional babyface. I want to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, Sami Brady, Al Bundy, Batman, Veronica Mars, ..take your pick. At the same time, I want the people in my life to see me as a good person even if I know that I am morally neutral and conflicted. I hope that makes sense.

P.S: As a professional freelance writer-these posts which are really personal are a bit tricky because it is the writing I am most proud of…but people who hire writers may not want to hire someone who has the “issues” I do. I will say this…that’s their loss.

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