I can’t afford therapy so I have to use this blog as a therapy session (or multiple therapy sessions). Two things before I start. First, I did not want this blog to be about some woman, I wanted to stimulate thought on philosophical, psychological and sociological topics-but I can’t do that right now. I could just keep a private journal, but honestly I could really use support right now and I am hoping that if I write this, maybe I’ll get some. Secondly, I pride myself on being unique-but all day I was looking online, not for advice necessarily…I just wanted to know that there were other people in my situation. In some cases there were, but I had trouble finding my unique situation online. If you haven’t read my other posts or those posts were not clear about what is going on…I guess I could sum it up below.
I met this waitress last year (around this time)….let’s call her SM
I fell in love with her in May
Did not admit it to myself until October
Did not admit it to her until November
In between the Spring and when I told her how I felt, we had a very good relationship. We were not close friends (not even close to close). I only saw her when she was working, but we got along really well and she gave me what I want the most in a friendship-good, fun conversation. I am being 100 percent honest when I say I never wanted anything more from her. I certainly never expected anything more. I am also being 100 percent honest when I say from late April until the end of the year-she was my best friend. In fact, there are few people (less than five) in my 36 years that I have had more fun with and almost no one who I would rather spend time with. I brought her gifts like cards, flowers (which I regret, but at the time she was planning on leaving), t-shirts (which I don’t regret, I thought they were cute) and left her nice tips (because I’m generous by nature…more on that later).
Things changed when I started getting jealous-not of her boyfriend and she does have one, but of her co-worker who she seemed to get along with really well. The more I felt I was losing her, the more I wrote and wrote and wrote her always telling her how I felt. There were still times where we had good conversations this year, but she started shutting down on me last month. I called her out on it Wednesday and she said that I could still come in and stop by and we could have small talk…but I couldn’t write her anymore notes, which was fine by me. There were some things that she said and did that were not fine with me which is why I made the decision to make the break (like I said in another post, the decision to stop seeing her was mine and it’s only been a couple of days).
One of the things that she said is something that I will keep to myself, but it made me feel tremendously guilty because before she is a hangout buddy, before she is the woman I fell in love with-SM is a human being who I love (romantic feelings aside-I love her) and my presence made things worse for her instead of better. I’ll never forgive myself for that.
One thing that she said that I will discuss was that I gave her good tips in order to manipulate her into talking to me. That’s an attack on my character, which really hurts because she’s known me for a year and that is what she came up with. The tips were because I’m a generous person-that is how I live my life-friend or stranger. If anything (when we were going well)-I may have given her a little extra as a thank you for giving me such good conversation. I never did it as a manipulation. I can get lonely in general and I really liked talking to SM specifically-but I don’t want anyone to talk to me who doesn’t really want to.
The reason I decided to no longer see her was because of her body language and facial expressions. She’s done with me. I’ve known that for a few weeks, but when that was coupled with us finally talking about it Wednesday…she could say it’s okay for me to stop by…but she doesn’t mean it. More than that, we will never get back what we had so why bother? Before this week, I took a week and a half away from her to see if it would help..it didn’t at all. Even when I kind of annoyed her, I never got the sense until this past month she wanted me out of her life. In fact, I always got the sense that she kind of liked having me around, even if I was a bit annoying. I really just wanted to start over this week, but she doesn’t want me around…there is no other way to say it and I don’t blame her.
Someone said on Quora that one of the common pieces of advice that he disagrees with is “treat others how you would want to be treated.” I live my life by that philosophy, but what happened with SM makes me think that the Quora respondent was right. What I did with SM was based on how I would want someone to treat me…but that’s not what she wanted and it cost me a friendship because I was stubborn when it came to my philosophy.
So did I do this for me or do this for her (meaning the decision to stop seeing her)? It’s a combination of both, I don’t want to cause her any more consternation and seeing her knowing what we had last year is never coming back (because she’ll never let her guard down enough for it to be possible) doesn’t make sense. With that said, it is very difficult for me and now we go to part 2…which is going to be a little more serious