Some introductory notes

I have depression

I have been close to suicide more than once

I’ve never been in a relationship, but if breaking up with a girlfriend feels this bad or worse…I’d rather live my life without one. I can’t say it feels like a breakup because I don’t know what that feels like, but I don’t know how it (a breakup) can feel worse than this. I’ll say this (and I have no problem saying it), I feel like I lost my best friend.

If SM had told me that she was moving away or found another job where seeing her would have been difficult or inappropriate-I could have dealt with that. That’s the thing with this situation. She is very guarded in general and I am not sure I ever reached the stage where we would talk outside of her place of work. I also knew that the day would come where she would leave the restaurant and I would probably never see her again. Maybe we could have e-mailed occasionally-maybe…but that would have been the extent of it in all likelihood.

This is not about losing someone I was going to spend a lot of time with in the next few years, at most I probably had a year left of seeing her. The restaurant business in general has high turnover and the place she works at specifically (with two exceptions) has (I would estimate) higher turnover than average. In fact, she left for a month last year and she was never planning on coming back. I was so happy when I saw her again, but now I wish she hadn’t come back…which I think is my point. When she left last Spring, I did cry-but we were on good terms.

I told her two weeks ago that what I want most out of our relationship is good memories. When the time came where we did not see each other anymore-I wanted to think of something that reminded me of her and smile. That is not going to happen in all likelihood. It’s torture thinking of anything that reminds me of her and almost everything does.

The first issue that I have is based on articles that I have read in the last 24 hours, well I actually looked for articles that would confirm my suspicions. I feel withdrawals. SM is really like a drug. I’ve never done drugs, never drank and never smoked. I’ve never had an addiction. SM may be that addiction. I know from what I read today that there is evidence that you could be addicted to people.  She’s actually really like a drug in the sense that the way our relationship deteriorated means that it is not good for me to see her. I know it is not good for me to see her, but my body and my mind are so used to seeing that beautiful face that I crave it knowing it is not good for me. The thing is, I could see her today-but because of what I wrote about in my last post, I would just be seeing her to see her. I’m not even sure that it would quench my craving. Besides, how could I look at someone who really liked me at one time and now can’t stand the sight of me? It’s better not to see her and hope the feeling goes away…

The problem with that is, this feeling is borderline unbearable. I was in bed until 2:30 PM today and even then it took everything in me to get out of bed. It’s not just that I miss her (again it’s only been a couple of days), it’s also tremendous guilt for several reasons. This situation has aggravated my already existing depression.

The other thing is there is a tremendous amount of pressure on me in terms of my work. It is very demanding and I have to use my brain all of the time. I can’t say it is impossible for me to work with how I feel, I will say two things though. One, it is very difficult for me to do what I do feeling how I feel right now. There are certainly some projects that I could fake my way through and it would be “good enough”, but most of them I really have to have my mind right. The second thing is -I could really use a break from work, but I already made commitments. Also, to be honest-I don’t have any savings. I have to keep going. I know people say that work is a good distraction. It isn’t for me, it’s overwhelming at a time where I don’t need to be overwhelmed. More than anything else, seeing SM was something that I considered to be a reward for finishing my work and that reward is gone now. I am not a live to work person. I like what I do, but I need that something on the other side and it’s not there. All I have to look forward to is work. It’s actually interesting in that it means a lot to me that people are so reliant on my brains and talent. It’s very self-affirming, but right now it is also overwhelming. Most people run towards things that boost their self-esteem…right now I want to run from the only thing that does because it’s meaningless if the people I love don’t believe in me. With that in mind…

The worst part of all of this is after a year of knowing me-SM thought I was only good to her because of what I could get out of it. That is heartbreaking (I wish I had a better word). How could she think so little of me? This is much less about me not seeing her anymore and much more about how painful it is for someone who I love to have that kind of disdain for me. She took the framework of how I live my life and twisted it into something dark and heinous. Here’s the thing, I’m not saying I was good to her to make her happy-I don’t have that kind of power. I am saying that I just wanted to help her (like I try to help most people I encounter) and make her smile. For that I got treated like I’m an evil manipulator. It is really tough to live with that. It’s a “what’s the point” moment.

What happened with SM is not more devastating than my parents’ death, but the two times I came close to suicide had nothing to do with their deaths either. I think in this situation I feel like what happened is an indictment on me…in fact it is an indictment on me. The only thing that I could say about SM is I wish she wasn’t so cold and detached…but as much as I want to make her the villain…she’s not. I wouldn’t say I am either, but she would still be in my life if I was able to be less like…me. This is 90-95 percent my fault

As an aside, I love everything about SM except how cold she could be…but that’s what I admire about her the most. If I could take that part of her personality and inject it in me…I would be much better off right now.

I am not sure I want to die, but I am also not sure I want to live. I am crying while typing this…I don’t want my brother to have to deal with my death. That’s what’s keeping me here….that and Wrestlemania.

With all of that said, I have told people this before…if I can’t get through this (or any setback) then I should not be here.