Yesterday was the three year anniversary of my mom’s death. I did not even think of it yesterday because I had a lot of work and as I noted in my last post it looks like I lost a friend (which also happened yesterday). Now, I could say that 3/15 is a bad day for me, because it is a date where two people who I love left my life. I am not comparing the waitress I told you about to my mom. In fact, my point is even though I always take on new friendships as projects and get attached to new people (not every new person I meet, just the new people who I consider to be friends-which aren’t many because I am still a loner at heart)…I would think a great case can be made that I would rather deal with the “drama” of the new friendships including this most recent one, than deal with my mom’s death.
I think about my mom multiple times a day, but I don’t think I ever dealt with her death. It’s been three years and I always find something or someone to hold on to so I don’t have to think about the reality that my mother is never coming back. I did not see her when she was sick, other than when I stayed with her for her final days. I did not go to the memorial service. The day she died I didn’t wait for the paramedics to give the final word-I just walked to and around Prospect Park and Park Slope. I’m used to not having my mom around, I’m not used to her being dead and I don’t want to be.
Here’s the thing about the waitress I told you about…actually let me preface this by saying that I do love her and not seeing her (maybe ever again…we’ll see) is going to take some getting used to. At the same time, she’s not my mom. To be honest, as much as I don’t want to believe it now…whether or not that waitress and I become friends doesn’t really matter. My mom not being here matters….so I would rather think about the waitress.
I’m a big sports fan so I have a good analogy. The waitress is my favorite sports team and my mom represents family (not too big of a stretch obviously). Ultimately whether or not my favorite team wins or loses is important, but in the proverbial scheme of things it’s trivial. What happens to my family is important. With that said, it is easier to get really upset about things that have lesser importance because in the back of my mind I know it’s not life and death and it’s not as important as my family. Same thing here, the waitress and the other friends who I have spent so much time trying to get to like me in the last four years (since my mom got sick and through her death) have been ways for me to distract myself from what’s really important. I guess I figure it is better to cry over someone who was/is just a “season” in my life-then it is to cry over the person who created my life.
I should say that this post is just a thought that I typed up. I don’t know if getting over my mom’s death is a milestone I have to reach to have a complete life. I don’t even know how that would be measured. I do know that I may keep making mistakes on who or what to focus on if I don’t take the time to deal with her death. The thing is my dad died last year (it will be one year in about three weeks), but that’s more complicated because I was not as close to him as I was to my mom…which leads to another discussion I will try to have another time.