Anyone reading this who ever broke up with someone…I don’t know how you do it. I was not even dating this person and I feel like…actually I should tell you what I don’t feel like. I don’t feel like doing anything. I just want this to be a dream. I figure I will be okay eventually, but losing a friend who I cared so much about and to be honest really liked being around is…it’s really painful. I just want to sleep.
I feel guilty even being this upset about someone who doesn’t care about me in the same way (if she cares about me at all) and someone who I was never really close to (even though we got along really well at one time). I am not sure I am emotionally healthy enough to deal with the realities of the social world. Like I said in my first post. I need to concentrate on the friends who have stayed loyal to me. As far as work goes, to me it’s trivial compared to my friends. It’s like who cares about money when I just lost someone very important to me, but work is what I have and it’s what I’m good at so…that is what I will concentrate on. That’s what I have to concentrate on.
I should say that technically I ended the communication, but only so she wouldn’t do it first, she had been cold to me for weeks, just polite enough-but not friendly at all. When you are as lonely as I get sometimes…even cold company is acceptable-but it shouldn’t be and I just realized it. Now, I have told her before that I was not going to see her again and I always do. I’m not saying I will never see her again, but it will be a while. She is a server so if she quits (or gets fired) before the summer-I probably won’t see her again. We need at least a couple of months apart and I’m not even sure that will help at this point. It’s funny, the thing that made me say it’s over is that she said that I gave her tips for “leverage” so that she would talk to me and give me attention. That’s questioning my integrity…I can’t live with that. Now, integrity to me does not necessarily mean that I’m a great person. To me morality is subjective. At the same time, I realized in that moment-I had just wasted one year of my life if that’s what she thinks about me. I’m always generous to servers-friend or stranger. One reason is I’m generous by nature. Two, I could never do what they do. I respect what they do so much and I just want to help. Hell, I tipped a delivery guy $5 today…I’m not trying to get leverage with him. She also said that I want her to talk to me for her whole shift. That’s just stupid. I just don’t want to be ignored by someone I consider to be a friend.
Make no mistake…this is mostly my fault. First of all, I fell in love with her which I can’t help-but it is a breach of trust and I feel really bad about that. Secondly, I tried to stay her friend-which I know I could have done, but obviously it’s still weird (especially knowing that nothing would ever happen between us besides friendship). At the same time, I am not hurting because I can’t be her boyfriend-I am hurting because she is one of my favorite people ever. The biggest reason this is my fault is because I can never just like someone. I am a smart guy, but I’m socially inept. It could be Asperger’s…whatever it is I can never just like someone. Every new friendship becomes a big project and I always feel that I have to say everything that is on my mind all the time. It usually takes a year for me to be comfortable enough to let things breathe (I don’t talk much to the friends I have “locked in-because I know they will be there for me if/when I want to talk) and I have to realize that people like breathing. The friends I have now should apply for sainthood for their patience with me. I’m very lucky in that sense.
While I take full responsibility for my role in what happened …you know what happens when you break my heart? You know what happens when you question my integrity? You know what happens when you don’t get…it?
Edit: Never mind, she’s off the list. We’re good now. I may explain later. For now, I’ll just say we will never be “friends” like we were before-but things are better between us now…so now I can have good memories of my time with SM (also known as the waitress) which is all I wanted.