I realized a long time ago that I was “different.” The thing is, I’m not different in the ways I mentioned above. No, no, no. Ladies and gentlemen I am different because I have not met a person in the world who can do what I do (for work I mean). Yes, I’ve met some (key word some) people who might have the talent to do it-but there is no one willing to actually put that pressure on themselves. Without getting into details (other than to say it’s perfectly legal), my work is very important to the people I work with which is why (besides wrestling and God), it’s the other thing that consumes my thoughts minute by minute. Social anxiety? Depression? No one wants to hear about that when they need their work. Except that I said work with…not work for so at least I have some kind of option to take time for myself when life gets to me. It’s not a lot of money and I can’t always afford the things I want…but it’s mine. Moreover, I do it alone. I am most proud of the fact that I have helped so many people. More than anything else, the reason I can do what I do is not just because I am willing to take on that pressure, but because I am talented in a way that few people are. Talent in this case means intelligent-but I guess that doesn’t matter because I wear a Bullet Club (that’s a wrestling group) t-shirt and I’ve been on fewer (not less…fewer) dates than the number of Law and Order: SVU episodes that air on a typical Sunday on USA Network. In fact if you divide the number of episodes of SVU that typically air on Sunday by two…that’s the number of dates I have been on.
So I’m intelligent, what else about me doesn’t matter? Oh, well I am the most generous person I know. I take pride in helping people whenever I can (as long as they aren’t too annoying). I don’t have much…but if a waitress is working hard and not getting rewarded…I want to help. If someone is feeling underappreciated, I want to show that they are appreciated. I’ve always been generous, but the day that made me a generous person (as opposed to a person who is generous) is the day that someone brought me French fries at a Chinese restaurant (to go with my chicken wings). I asked him why he did that and he responded “because I would want someone to do that for me.” I’ve never seen him since, but that moment changed my life and that’s how I live now. I know that doesn’t matter to society because I can’t get laid…but it matters to me.
I appreciate the social relationships I do have more than anyone reading this possibly could. Every friendship that I have today was a struggle for me. I have limited social tools and even more limited social skills, but I made it work and anyone who has stuck with me during my most insecure moments deserves the best Mustafa they can get…so that’s what I give them. On that note, I may never have a girlfriend. I may never have sex. Honestly, it’s not really a goal of mine. It’s like the lottery in that it may be nice to have, but I don’t live my life around that hope (only difference is I play the lottery). I’ll get into the reasons another time, but for now I’ll just say that rejection does major damage to me that I can’t afford so I don’t try. Not to mention-it is very unlikely that a woman would approach me. Besides that, I am not sure I want the responsibility of a relationship. I have enough responsibility right now. Thirdly, I have an issue with being called someone’s boyfriend just because I don’t like the idea of being an accessory (I wrote about that in the cognitive dissonance post). If I do have a relationship or even just a sexual encounter, I can tell you that I will appreciate it more than anyone reading this could possibly think about because I’ve never had it, because I get lonely and because of those moments where I feel unwanted.
To the above point, if I am ever lucky enough to be in a relationship…I will never flaunt it because I know what it is like to be that person who sees the “happy couple” wondering if I will ever get that. This is not a discussion on PDA’s (which I’m not a fan of…but that’s personal, not a value judgment on anyone else). It’s me saying that my experiences (and lack thereof) make me think differently than most people and I would not give that up for anything. I’m fine with never having a girlfriend because I know that if I did at any point before I turned 30, I would be like everyone else. From my perspective that’s the (second) worst thing anyone could say about me (that I’m normal I mean). I will trade what I lose from being single and sexless for my entire life for what I have gained in terms of being a next-level thinker and simply considerate of others.
What is this post about? I am going to answer that with a discussion of a celebrity who gets criticized often. C.M Punk (a former wrestler). Punk is very popular, but there are people who call him a “insufferable prick” or a whiner because he says what’s on his mind. God forbid someone be moody. Punk was my favorite wrestler before he left and I see a lot of myself in him so I am more willing to defend him. At the same time, it’s so easy for someone to look at Punk and judge him. Just like it is so easy for people to look at me and judge me. That’s the easy thing. The difficult thing is to see the world from someone else’s perspective. There are things that people do that annoy me, but I never judge the person and I rarely judge the action. I used to, until I realized that people are the way they are for a reason. I’m in no position to judge.
You can be annoyed by someone, but I’ll say this-you will probably be less annoyed if you see things from that person’s point of view. I am normally a shy, quiet person-but when I think I being shortchanged…I will say something. If that makes me a whiner and insufferable prick then I would much rather be a “whiner” than a false judge. Going back to Punk, you need him (and me) to be a moody prick-so that you could say that you aren’t. You need him (and me) to play the victim-because it means that you don’t.
My point is that even if you don’t consciously know it-you are judging me and the few people in this world who are like me. You need me to be a dateless virgin who lived with his parents until I was 34 who wears wrestling shirts (in public no less). You use me to feel better about yourselves because no matter what is going on in your life-at least you’re not like me. This is not a post for me to indulge in self-loathing and self-pity. Don’t worry, I do that plenty (you win that one too). This post is to say (for different reasons obviously) I need you the same way you need me. In other words…
“You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you because you‘re all the same.
P.S: I’m just getting started. Personal issues aside-this is still going to be my year.