Disclaimer: Ladies and gentlemen, let me begin this by saying that I am not at all making the assumption that I could get a girlfriend, a friend with benefits or casual sex with a non-friend on a regular basis if I tried. I do have some aesthetic disadvantages working against me. At the same time, I am certainly not hideous and I have some other strengths that may appeal to at least some women. I wanted to make this clear because I don’t want anyone thinking that I can have a woman just because I want one. I just want to explore why I don’t want one and how that interacts with my desire for companionship. I didn’t plan anything that I am about to write so let’s see where this takes me.
Okay, I have said in other posts that I hate PDA’s. I try not to harp on it too much because unless it is a really important cause (i.e.: social justice) sometimes you have to deal with things you don’t like (or I don’t like in this case) because that’s how it is. I do try to avoid them whenever possible. I have told my (female) friends to warn me if their boyfriends/husbands are going to visit them because I would rather avoid seeing them kiss, even if it is a quick peck on the lips and these are friends I did not have romantic feelings for. I think this started around my 30th birthday when I realized that I was 30 and never been in a relationship, never had sex and had only been on 2-3 dates. In other words, the PDA’s reminded me of my shortcomings and my self-esteem has never been high. What’s wrong with me that I can’t have what those people have? Why doesn’t anyone want to hold my hand? Why doesn’t anyone want to kiss me? Why does everyone seem to have someone except for me?
I also don’t like PDA’s because they make me feel lonely and that I am missing something in my life. As Martin Payne said “it’s great to have someone who has you.” As far as a more casual relationship goes, I have heard that sex is fun (that’s the word going around). With that said, the question is-why don’t I try for a girlfriend or at least try to find some female companionship? It actually is connected to why I hate PDA’s. Yes it makes me feel bad about myself and yes it makes me feel lonely, but most of all it makes me want something that I don’t REALLY want.
“Whatchu talking about Mustafa?”(Thank you Arnold Drummond). Well, most people I know are in relationships (I’m talking about friends, people I just know and people who I don’t know personally but know of) and it seems a big part of their life revolves around their relationships. When I was on Facebook, there were many people who had pictures of their significant others in their profile pictures. When friends of mine go on vacation, they are going with their significant others. I don’t want my life to be about anyone else. I love my brother and sister. I loved my parents (RIP). I even love some of my friends, but my life is not about them…it’s about me. Because of my job sometimes I feel like I live for other people, but that is often times simply frustration and fatigue getting the best of me. I don’t live for them, because if I don’t want to do something a client asks of me-I just don’t do it and there is nothing they can do about it. The main kicker is that while I am friendly with many (if not most) of my clients, I don’t care about them in a way where it is hard for me to say no. I would have trouble saying no to a woman who I was in a relationship with for many reasons (some of them were touched on earlier in this post).
I don’t want to go to the movies; I want to watch the Mets. I don’t want to go to Chelsea for dinner, I want to watch Smackdown. I don’t want to visit her parents in Boston; I want to watch football all weekend. Moreover, the only profile pictures I will have on my social media will either be of myself or something representing my “no drugs, no drinking, no smoking” lifestyle. Finally, I don’t want to be someone’s nameless boyfriend (nameless if she is talking about me to non-friends). I just feel that it chips away at my individuality (just like the profile pictures) which is the one thing I can’t lose. Just to give an example, I have never spoken a word to my friend Vanessa’s boyfriend, but when they first started dating in 2013-the first thing I asked her was “what’s his name? The reason is even though I care about her a lot more than I care about him, he is not her possession (i.e.: “my boyfriend”). I care about that stuff…”words matter.”
Another thing is that most of my friends are not only female, they are very attractive females. If I had a girlfriend and we went to where my friend Iryna works, I am not saying that there would be trouble-I’m saying there might be trouble because Iryna is such a beautiful woman. I know what it is like to be insecure (that’s my gimmick), but if my (hypothetical) girlfriend told me that she was uncomfortable with my friendship with Iryna (or any of my other friends)-she would go before they would go. It’s not because I am insensitive to her feelings, it’s because I can’t give up on people who stayed with me even though I have been just as insecure as my (hypothetical) girlfriend was in the aforementioned (hypothetical) situation. I’ve mastered the uncomplicated platonic friendship. Give me Iryna, Vanessa, Alix, Heather, Jessy, and Chelsea (among others) over a girlfriend who may try to facilitate changes that I don’t want to make. In other words, I don’t want to make that choice even though I understand why she would want me to make it (I’ve been jealous …I get it). Just like I understand her wanting to go to the movies with me or dinner or on a road trip…I just don’t want to do that right now.
I’m not ready for a life that is about someone else even a little. Here’s the other thing, I go for months without talking to my friends. It’s not because there is any hostility, it is a combination of respecting their space and the fact that I don’t want to unless I have something to say. I think I should probably talk to my girlfriend at least once a week…I’m not ready for that life yet.
As far as casual sex goes, I don’t know if I could get it even if I tried-but either way…it doesn’t really interest me. If it interested me, I would at least give it a shot. Let me say it this way, any interest in sex is overwhelmed by my fear of rejection and the fact that for the most part I would rather be by myself.
Will I find someone some day that understands me and can fit into my life perfectly? Maybe, but it’s never really been a goal of mine. The one word that best describes my life right at this moment is “comfortable.” Comfortable is an interesting word in that PDA’s make me uncomfortable because they make me think that I should want something that would ultimately make me feel as uncomfortable as their PDA’s make me now (did you get all that). What I’m saying is-I don’t really want a girlfriend, but PDA’s make me think I do which is why I really wish people would just wait till they get home (I know, I’m never winning that battle). Perfect analogy, PDA’s to me is like eating chocolate cake in front of someone who is on a diet…they both create desire for something that is ultimately unhealthy.
As far as couples who just can’t help themselves…well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7-51DeTRRQ