#Keynote Address

Most of you reading this have never nor will ever meet me so what I am about to say is going to seem peculiar to say the least. You need me. Well, you don’t need me (Mustafa Samiullah), but you need who I am to feel better about yourselves. You don’t even know you need me because many (if not most) of you reading this don’t have overt self-esteem problems, you may have insecurities but you keep them to yourself and why would any of you “need a stranger.”

You see you don’t need me like you need Donald Trump or the celebrity who always seems to screw up or the guy who just lost his mind and ends up in the news for a temporary news cycle. Those people are too easy. Sure, they make you feel better about yourselves in their own way-but I am the person you joke about because someone like me really can’t exist, but the fact that I do exist gives you someone to compare yourselves favorably too (“at least I’m not like that guy”) So what am I talking about?

I am a 36 year old virgin. No, I’m not a priest. No, I did not promise to save myself until marriage. No, I am not asexual. I could give reasons why I’m a virgin, but they don’t really matter-the fact is I am and you’re not so no matter what is going on in your life…at least you’re not a loser virgin like me. I mean everyone has sex, right? The word virgin is used as a pejorative by many people…which I’ll get to in another post.

It gets better, not only am I a 36 year old virgin-I’ve never had a girlfriend. There are some people reading this who have sex more times in an average week than I have had dates in my life. Hell, son there are some people reading this that on the right day may have sex more times in a day than I have had dates in my life. If it wasn’t for strip clubs (yep, got me again)-I would have never seen a live woman naked. I’m not even sure if my mom breastfed me.

Get this- I’ve never been in a relationship. I’m sure I am missing a lot. You get to hold hands, you get to kiss and don’t forget the sex. How could I forget about the sex? What kind of loser wouldn’t want that? Well, this loser can’t get it (but there is a caveat)…so you got me there. So next time you feel that your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband is not working out…at least you’ve had one.

Wait, what’s that? You’re not in a relationship? You get to make out with and have sex with whomever you want? Damn, that sounds fun. Oh, wait. I’m a 3.5 on the looks scale (out of 10) with social anxiety and it would be nice if I cared about the person I was with. Man, if I was only better looking and cooler I could have all the meaningless sex I want… at least would be getting laid.

I actually want to get into why I have never had a girlfriend or had sex. I am going to try to keep it short. As far as a relationship goes, mutual attraction is obviously important. I also believe that to date me people need to be open-minded. The mutual attraction part is very difficult because of what I said above about my below-average looks (I’m not ugly, but I am below-average) The part about being open-minded…well most people don’t value what my strengths are. Some people do, that’s why I am friends with them. I’m saying society as a whole does not value my…values. Oh, they need to be single too. Then there is the fourth thing. For that I will take two of my friends: Iryna and Vanessa. For the sake of this argument, let’s say I was somewhere between an 8 and a 10 on the looks scale. Iryna and Vanessa are both amazingly beautiful women and I’ve known them both when they were single (Iryna and I actually live on the same block). Even if there was attraction on their end (remember I’m good-looking in this hypothetical situation)…I never saw either of them “in that way.” I obviously recognize how beautiful they are and we do get along well…but I can’t even imagine anything other than friendship with them. The thing is I felt that way really early-even though the first thing most people notice (including me) is how someone looks…I just never had that feeling about them which is great because their friendship is super important to me. Most of my friends are female, but I’ve only developed feelings for 2-3 of them. I’ve only had strong romantic feelings for a handful of people and at least two of the four components for a romantic match were missing. I wrote about this in another post, but the reason I don’t like seeing couples together is it makes me think I want something that I don’t really want (a romantic relationship)

Sex? Well, I don’t go to bars to pick up girls because I’m really shy for one and secondly like I said…rejection is not something I can deal with. I don’t go to “hookup” sites or apps because I don’t want to. My mom (RIP) actually told me to get a prostitute a few years ago. She was as straight-laced as it gets (other than smoking), but she just wanted to help because she saw that I was tense all of the time (and I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs…never have and never will…so she thought sex might help). I’m not interested having sex with a prostitute…at all (sorry mom). Also, I’m not saying that it is mandatory that I am in a relationship with a sexual partner-but it is ideal…so go back to the above paragraph.

My point in the last two paragraphs is that I believe that I have good reasons for my relationship and (lack of) sexual status. But in this society, it is something to be ridiculed. No one has ever directly made fun of me for being a virgin (although I should be insulted that people aren’t really surprised). I’m not talking about the people I have interacted with directly. I am talking about people who try to win an argument by calling someone a virgin or saying that they have never had a girlfriend. That is what I mean when I say people need me. Those who make fun of others for being virgins are not making fun of those people-because the person being insulted is likely not really a virgin…but I read it and I get insulted. I don’t think I am a loser because I have never been in a relationship or have never had sex-but society does…which is why society needs me. You have to compare yourself to someone favorably. If everyone else is in relationships and/or having sex-then you need me to look down on.

There is actually a more serious reason why I am offended by how society views people…but another time.

Oh, then there’s the really good part where I’m in love with a girl that I can never have. I’ve even shed tears because of her (the horror of a grown man crying over unrequited love). Now, I realize that I am not alone there. Then again, most of you reading got over that girl or guy you could never have in weeks. Because that’s what the rule is, right? What kind of loser pines over the same girl for 10 months? I should just “get over it.”  That sounds great, but if I get over it…then how will you be better than me for not getting over it sooner? I’m an unselfish guy. Let’s make a deal. I’ll get over it when I’m ready and in return you get to say how much more together you are than I am.

If you want to know my relationship with this woman, I’ll say two things (these will really make you feel better about yourself).  I’ve never had a romantic relationship as I said above, but I can’t imagine a breakup of a romantic relationship being more painful then what I am going through because it appears I lost her friendship. There’s a void in my life because of the emotional distance between us. Secondly, I’m Steve Urkel and she’s Laura Winslow (except she’s white). Anyone who watched Family Matters can get the picture now. As an aside, she’s probably going to end up seeing this because of how much I respect her (she’s my go to person for my writing and this post is something I have been thinking about since before I met her).

As far as anyone reading this thinking I am bitter or jealous because I don’t have what they have…you just proved my point.

My mom died in 2014 and my dad died in 2016. I was really saddened by their deaths. In fact, I still have not gotten over either of them. Well, there is some good news-I still lived with them when they died so now that they aren’t here…I’m more of a man now. No one can say that I live with my parents anymore or judge me for being a 30 plus year old man still living with mommy and daddy. I guess I win that one…

I have to break this up into two or maybe even three parts (this is longer than I thought it would be) so this is officially the end of Part 1