Is not off to a good start, being in love sucks….well it does for me.
First of all, it’s unrequited-which I can deal with, but obviously it’s not easy.
Secondly, I want to stay friends with her because she is so amazing that my life feels empty now that our dynamic has changed. I love her as a friend just as much as I do romantically.
Thirdly, I don’t know what’s worse-seeing her when she is only polite at best or not seeing her and having a void in my life.
Without getting specific about the circumstances in which I see her, I would love to give her space-but if I do (let’s say I decide not to see her for a month), I’m worried that she won’t be around if and when I decide to see her again.
To the last point, the distance between us lately (even though I see her regularly, it’s emotional distance) feels like a breakup of a romantic relationship. I am not a fan of cliches, but the “can’t live with her” and “can’t live without her” gimmick is absolutely true in this case. I actually wish I hadn’t meet her. I feel horrible saying that because she is so smart and funny and beautiful and sweet. We also got along really well for a period of time, it was never going to be romantic-but for a while she was my best friend.
The worst part is loving this woman has caused me to lose my spirit. I used to be someone who was happy in my misery. I had an outlaw spirit. I was angry at the world and now…I’m just sad. This situation has aggravated my depression and I wish I could say it was her fault…but it’s mine (except for one thing that I may or may not write about-it depends on whether or not I want to keep discussing this).
I do have friends, but the only reason I am writing this here (I normally wouldn’t because I don’t want to be that guy who uses WordPress to whine about the girl that he loves) is because I don’t want to bother my friends with this foolishness. I can’t worry about what strangers think because writing about it may be therapeutic.